133.8

A week or so ago. In the AM was 136.4...but I binged hardcore today because I was angry, hot, and bored.

So no promises tomorrow, but I made cupcakes. All I want is soup.

135.8

Up from 134.4 this morning...well, I did indulge in Whataburger.

I fucking LOVE that Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich.

Ate only that, drank my weight in Diet Coke and then water, so maybe just water weight.
Likely.

Tomorrow is B's birthday...I want cake.

I admit it: I like eating.

Nothing but that, though...and yearbooks come out...wonder if Midas showed up...

Whataburger

Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich
-two 5 inch buns
-3 crunchy chicken strips
-2 slices Monterey jack
-slathered with honey bbq sauce
...
-1100 calories
-59 grams of fat

I Don't even fucking care. i won't eat all week just for that-it's a seasonal item, only comes out for around 6 weeks. do you know how many months i've glanced at whataburger waiting for that freakin' banner to proclaim that it's back??

...i'm gonna hate myself. i'm gonna love it.

137.6

Massive quantities of food this week.

Yesterday my class went to the beach to do some volunteer work-I found a 1.5 inch crab claw. I also ended up scraping the backs of my knees and fucking up my neck, because I wanted to sit down after 2 hours of wandering the beach staring down looking for litter.

Not wanting to sit on the sand in my shorts (!!!) I tried to boost myself up and sit on a wooden handrail to a walkway.

I ended up falling backwards, and shooting splinters up my legs.

I ate...
-3 pieces of toast 2/ honey at home in the am
-a simply caramel milky way bar on the way to school
-a taco maxie brought, bacon egg and cheese
-a baby ruth bar as i got on the bus
-some cheetos maxie had on the bus
-a diet pepsi bottle
-1 1/2 chocolate chip cookies vivian brought on the way to the nature center
-some more cheetos
-a fucking hunger buster hamburger from a fast food restaurant (i...took the tomato, pickles, and onions out and filled it with french fries...)
-my serving of french fries
-a diet coke
-20 packets of ketchup
-half of kim's fries
-a tootsie roll pop on the way home
-4 more tootsie roll pops at home

.........well, i need help. i'm the girl who eats either far too much or not nearly enough. but how to be normal?...
:(

Scared

Of the massive quantities of food I've been consuming.

I'm smart enough not to start purging, partly because I've been deathly afraid of something like my esophagus rupturing.

Now I'm afraid of the other way, eating so much and how it affects your fucking intestines.

It was so perfect yesterday...now I'm afraid I can't be normal.

Not my fault...okay kinda.

Well the whole thing made me gain back up to 135/136.

I want to fast tomorrow, or at least hold off eating until I get home, but I'll probably just wake up and immediately eat a couple bowl of Cheerios.

Blah. There's no point to this.

134.2

Lowest weight, yesterday. This morning it was 134.6, and an hour ago it was 136.4...

This is so fucking unreal. I haven't even had to fast. Little piggy I am loves my newfound joy, peanut butter-banana-honey sandwiches.
-2 slices whole wheat bread (140)
-1 tablespoon peanut butter (100)
-1/2 banana (50)
-honey (20)
=350, at most.

They are so fucking worth it, though, not eating all day and then indulging. It's sure as hell not very balanced, of course...

I have fucking hemorrhoids. Again. FML

Aw.

I could so see my collarbones today. :)

It should worry me that I barely noticed this since officially reaching the 30s.

I almost don't care I've shot back up to 139.8 at night (laughed out loud, because I had been praying to stay at least in the 30s, not giving a damn if it even read 139.8, after bingeing mindlessly, angry about my period and so many other things).

I wore this pretty black ruffly shirt today, spaghetti strings, and a necklace that laid on my collarbones.

They stick out even when I'm just there.

Yes.

:(

Awwwwww and now I have to eat pizza with her to make her feel okay.

Crap...that'll put my intake really really high, probably over 2000...
Can't weigh self 2morow, can't eat tomorrow.

Ok, mom...

OH LOL

She said "You need to understand that when the body doesn't get its required vitamins, when you lose muscle mass due to anorexia, you can develop leukimia."

Aw, mom, I'm sorry I love you but it's sad when you try to sound like you know what you're talking about.

And I just read an article that said they might have LESS chances of developing things like leukiemia.

...But of course, we'll probably die from a million other complications...

DAMNNNNNNNNNNN PIZZZZZZAAAAAA

136.6

Mom got drunk and started yelling me about my weight.

"LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU'RE GETTING TOO SKINNY! YOU LOOK SICK! I CAN SEE YOUR SHOULDERBLADES, YOU'RE BONY!"

I started laughing, which got her even more upset.
But...I just didn't see it.
I look in the mirror and I still see that chubby girl 30 pounds ago.
I'll never tell her that, but I do admit I might have a problem.

She thinks I'm lying about eating at school. (Almost true).

Past few days I've binged on cereal in the morning, come home and snacked, and that's it.

I'll eat the frozen pizza with her tomorrow night...between the two of us, it's around 1800 calories, 900 each...*shudder* well if I have some it'll get her off my back.

...I want to stop.

137.6

In the morning.

I ate so much today.

Now I'm suffering painful, painful gastrointestinal troubles.

Didn't want to resort to yet more laxatives, so I ate some steamed veggies, to try and, um, get things going...and now it hurts.

We have no freakin Bean-O or Gas-X...the internet tells me to walk around...too bad I have an essay due tomorrow...oh I'll make time.

I can only pray I still weigh in the 30s...I will not weigh myself.

Tonight. Or in the morning.

UrghghghhhhhhhhhhTHIS IS WHAT UNHEALTHY EATING HABITS DO TO YOU

138.6

This morning. Without even starving (*AHEM* fasting)

OF course, I just ate a small DQ Blizzard, French Silk Pie.
-680 calories
-31 g fat

...I was freaking this morning...woke up hungry, but there's no food in the house.
Well, frozen pizza, pancake batter, and white bread do not count.

But nothing else.

I didn't want frozen veggies-it was ten in the morning.

I didn't want crackers-they're way too salty, I thought.

I sat on my bed rocking back and forth my tear ducts filled with the familiar tension, but no tears.

Then mom took a shower, and since Anabel doesn't let me eat around other people, I took this opportunity to eat 4 jellybeans and 2 saltine crackers with mustard.

I felt okay...no freaking out because of the eating.

Then I had the blizzard. But...I want so badly to stay in the 30s.

YAYYYYYYYY I fit into my friend's old size ten jeans!! :D

Last time I tried em on, they fit, but with massive amounts of excess flesh that spillth over.

Now, NO muffin top.

I look like...normal, almost, in them.

I have to finish all the damn homework this afternoon...including the damn english essay from a week ago. "Define the similiarties and differences between the novel "Hunger Games" and the film series "The Matrix".

I'm gonna throw in some mentions of Baudrillard, just to excite my teacher :P Most of the kids in my class would just copy the little intro she provided with us, and add some more mentions of how they're both about people who kill each other.

Damn this fake advanced class, for the stupid kids who want the credit.
Damn my wonderful teacher, who is so forgiving with grades.

I am a terrrible, terrible person.

She dumped him. Cowardly, wouldn't even talk to him, just ran away when he tried to talk to her.

I deserve to fucking die for making my little cousin cry. I had a bad day, I was outright cruel. "Only stupid people watch T.V."

I know it's not her fault she's dyslexic. I didn't mean to make her cry.

Stupid bitch. Die.

Easter Goodies

some random asian-ana's thighs-she weighs in at around 80 pounds now...then again, she's like 8 inches shorter :\

AND ABOUT EASTER:
I just know mommy made me a basket :) :P

I think. She got me something, which hasn't happened since I was about 9.

It might be "Oracular Spectacular"-MGMT and a chocolate bunny. If I'm lucky.

I made her this random tiny little card, decorated and everything, with one of my snarky sentiments inside and everything...:P

But just when I thought we were making headway, with the whole "let's not try to kill each other for just a few days" thing, she was in a crazy bad mood today, and after a few beers in the morning, was positively vicious, talking about how much she hated me, what a mistake I was, how much she wanted me out of the house, blahblahyapyapshit.

Not eating breakfast, or lunch, and feeling down, whereas I would normally scream back, I just ate a handful of jellybeans. I should have retreated into my room, but I had to do chores.

Well...here's to surviving my family's foodfest tomorrow :P

oh Flo I luv your legs...hair...voice...you...i mean-yeah.

139.8

Freaked yesterday, because I woke up at 141.6 and weighed myself at night at 154.6.

Threw my scale in my closet and dedicated myself to barricading myself in my room.

Went to the movies with Kat, and neither of us had more than five bucks (in other words, no room for food) Not that either of us are real big on snacking during movies.

Walked around town for awhile, but her sister wouldn't give me a ride when she came to pick her up...coughcough...so I had to call Mom and run back to the theater.

Got home, mildly curious, and the number just popped out at me. Of course, I gorged myself on Special K, so...still :)

Yeah, no, FUCK my scale. Again.

Too bad it's broken.

140.6 in the AM, after bingeing emotionally and mindlessly in the morning, and drinking tons of water upon coming home, 141.8...at around 7.

I felt I could deal with this-it would go down, and then even more as I slept.

Fuck that shit-at 9, it had jumped to 142.2, without eating or drinking.

An hour ago, it was 142.6.

Screw that thing.

Took liquid laxative, and fuckit nothing's happening...my stomach's just bumbly, I'm a little nauseous, and dammit I want a fucking Baby Ruth bar.

140.2

and I just realized...I've officially lost 25+ pounds.

Last year, around this time, I remember weighing in at around 167.

I've lost approximately 10-15 pounds since August.

Kat's gained around the same amount...:(

Not much else, other than I came home fearing 143 because I ate throughout the day, emotionally, in response to Kat's little bitchfest in the morning (oh I know it isn't her fault her mood changes but still...it hurts).

My mouth dropped when I saw the number...and I didn't want to eat anymore.

But I had a serving of chips, hoping to...you know. Food sometimes helps with the digestive process :P and I still have it in me, so I know I'd technically "weigh" less...well, hopepraybegplead I MIGHT ACTUALLY WEIGH 139 IN THE AM...although I'll likely be 140, if I'm lucky...oh poo.

well...25 lost, 25 to go!

Along Came A Spider...

144.6

I beat my arms and legs senseless when I saw that number.

I weighed 141.6 this morning.

I need laxatives.

I'm going vegetarian, maybe vegan. Did you know...that every carton of milk you buy, ones that are factory-made, anyway, are 2% blood and pus from the utters of the cows?

And if you've seen Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, you'd know why I'll never even look at another chicken nugget again...they're basically fried lumps of flour and ground up chicken carcass, minus all the actual usable meat.

Kat told me yesterday how Midas's girlfriend put on her MySpace that she's sick of him already, bored with him. The way he looks at her and holds her suggests he has no clue she feels this way. She won't leave him, yet though-until she finds another guy she can chase after. Because in the end, she's still the kind of girl who likes having a guy around to shower her with affection.

Part of me wants her to just get it the hell over with and dump him, because it kills me to see them together when she doesn't even care. Another...almost wants her to just stay with him until school ends and he moves away. I don't want to see him hurt.

...God fucking dammit. I really thought he had found happiness. Like a bunch of teenagers can be in love :P but they can still form meaningful relationships...the Ice Queen's incapable of love, or commitment, for the matter, though.

GODAMN FLORENCE'S GUITARIST LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MIDAS...I saw the video on YouTube, her performing with Billy Bragg, and I wanted to cry. I haven't seen him in days...

...

Yes...I need a muzzle, apparently...

Don't care if I've become one of those annoying people who post a million posts in one day. Well, I went a few weeks without even getting near Blogger, so...make-ups?

I'm coming back, Anabel. It all seems so easy now. For months, I've been eating mindlessly constantly or trying to be okay with eating for pleasure, trying to make deals and promises with myself. Sometimes losing weight, sometimes crazy gaining.

My last crazy phase was last summer, when I lost close to 15 pounds in the course of a couple weeks. (more?...hellifiknow, I didn't record anything)

I knew I was fat-I never once let myself feel good about myself, because it wasn't correct. Wasn't true.

But at the same time, I couldn't see myself as *too* too hideous-I'd freak and want to find comfort in food. I had to be "ok"...but willing to make improvements.

That's how I feel now-I try hard not to look in the mirror, because that's the only way I can not fill myself up mindlessly or go back to forgetting myself and time.

No more will I look to the mirror for reassurance, asking myself "Just a little...?"

No reminders- just work.

After this, I'm just going to do the damn homework. It's not that hard, just slightly time-consuming. Just...forget food, worries, self...be okay :)

(WE'LL SEE HOW LONG *THAT* LASTS...)

Well, I'm home alone and bored...what else can I be expected to do rather than watch television? :P

The documentaries on 8 year old anorexics is just heartbreaking.

And it, for some reason, makes me think of my own little cousin, B. She is, by NO means, anorexic. But she does have an eating disorder. I wish I knew how tall she is, so I could find out her BMI, but as of now all I know is her weight: 105.

That's more than some girls I know who are twice her age.

She's 8, and takes after her mother: obese. Her parents spoil her rotten, trying to make up for the fact she's shy in school and quiet and has been held back almost twice. They'll never admit she might have a learning disability, afraid it'll somehow reflect on THEIR parenting capabilities.

Yesterday...I witnessed her eat 3 hamburgers, with mustard lettuce tomato pickles onions, and a serving of fries. All in the course of maybe 2 hours.

Her uncle brought me, her lil bro, her, and gramma 4 burgers. Cheap but good, $1 at the local burger place. She ate hers...lil bro ate his...gramma saved hers for later. (Why would I eat mine? I'm sick :P)

20 minutes later she proclaims she's still hungry, and eats the extra (mine).
10 minutes later, she wants gramma's.

Gramma gives in, because otherwise she'll throw a fit, and R (lil bro) wants a piece. (Did I fail to mention poor little boy is underweight? His sister eats his food, and is too big of a bully to stop...it's terrible...)

She pushes him down and eats it herself.

No one can stop this little tyrant, because her overprotective father is bipolar and will not fail to lash out at us if any of us make her feel the slightest bad.

Part of me hates her, for being so mean and greedy and...fat.

But another part wishes I could help her, because I see her turning out like me-the awkward chubby girl who turns to food rather than people.

But...I don't know how to stop her. Without fucking her up, I mean...

:(

okokokokokokokokokokok

So after leaving the computer...the parents leave for work...and I sneak into the kitchen to eat.

Sneaking, like a dirty little thief.

That's just how it is-when the kitchen, house, is full, I don't feel comfortable enough to eat, or snack. I hide away in my little abode, until the house is empty and mine again.

But I wanted food. I told myself just a little something...

*Half a banana...cause I don't like them that much.
*Yoplait Lite Red Velvet Cake (the color-dusty brick-and the taste scared me a lil, I can't lie, but I still consumed the entire damn 6 oz...waste not want not...:P)
*5 or 6 Club Crackers...

No freakin idea how many cals. I always go over, just to be safe and lie to myself, so I'll say 300. If I can get away with lying to myself later on, 350 or 400.

But it's not just the cals I worry about...my weight just piles on when I eat *anything*...so it had to be almost 10 oz. Not good, cause water weight isn't going down to well when I'm "sick".

...God the selfloathing. It's not even about weight...I'm just so ugly. It's not a self concious teenage girl thing "ohmigawd i hate my self sooooo muuuuuchhhhhh!!!!!!"
...Okay, maybe a lil. But if you were to see me...you'd agree :(

So the weight thing's just a way to deal.

If I'm small, I don't have to worry about being ugly as much.
Or boring. Or weird. Or whatever the hell I worry about myself.

Playin' Hooky

So this is the second day off school...and let's face it: I'm not as sick as I was.

But hey, if you can get a break...cause let's face it, my spring break was hell :\

Shit I'm mad. This morning: 142.6.

Up a pound a day from eating soup and crackers. And Gatorade.

This is disgusting, butttttt....
I haven't really had a real BM or pissed enough in the past while. So I know I'm just full of the food...and yesterday mum made it worse.

I had eaten a can of soup and crackers yesterday, and when mum came home from work she insisted I eat some more. I told her my stomach was painfully full (true) but she insisted in her quiet no-nonsense threatening voice.

So I ate 1/4 a can, and spent the rest of the night in pain, stomach distended, incredibly tired yet unable to lie down because every time I did acid reflux made bile rise in my throat. Yeah.

I think I remember another blogger describing that...for whatever reason, binge or something, they had their stomach distended painfully, and yet you could see all their ribs just above it. I thought it was hilarious and terrible.

I don't know...I'm tired.

140.6

I'm so dizzy I can't concentrate for more than 2 or 3 seconds...I'm not even hungry.

Mum was in a crappy mood yesterday, pissed off she had to deal with me and my illness...but today was better. She makes me write down things I might want at the store, then goes off at around 10:30...still isn't back.

Soup (low sodium), ice pops (strawberry, low cal/all natural), Gatorade (low cal) to help rehydrate. I don't even know if I'll be able to keep it down.

Hopefully I won't be dragged off to school tomorrow...just in case...I really oughta get started on that homework that was due before we left for break :P

Oh joy-so this is how I'm spending the last bits of my spring break...huddled over a toilet or strung out on my bed...:P

I hope hope hope hope hope I'm in the 30s by tomorrow...I'll take 139.8...but ok.
I might not...but I might...we'll just wait and see...

Vomitorium (not purposely)

SOoooooo...today I woke up feeling like crap.

Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.

I weighed 143.0, which was a relief...but...

I thought I'd eat a burger, only, and leave it at that, since I can't fast at home with mum around.

But...I ate a little breakfast bar (70 cal) in the morning. Felt like shit. Told myself I just needed some "real" food to soak up all the damn sugar from yesterday...

Stupid, stupid girl.

Subway-around 1,000 cals with a soup 6" raspberry iced tea and bakedchips.

I felt like shit-knew I overdid it, didn't stop.

The amount of vomit that erupted from my mouth was astounding...and after falling in and out of conciousness for a few hours in bed, fleeing to sleep whenever scary visuals of food attacked me in my delirium, and living on nothing but ice chips, I curiously got on the scale. 141.6. Blessed relief.

Can't eat anything today-the mere sight of food nauseates me, so the smell would kill me.

Tomorrow...if I can't eat...soup. I might puke that shit up too :(

I don't LIKE being sick...but I like the fact my body eats itself up when I am. :P

Fuck you Mother Nature...Fuck...You.

Fuck bloating.
End of story.

Double Post...All-Nighter?

Soooooo insanely in love with MGMT right now-listening to "Electric Feel" on repeat. That, and, "Lolita"-Throw Me The Statue. And "All Day and All of the Night"-The Kinks.

The night is young...but I might stay up all night. And hopefully the day after, as well :P

Seriously, chocolatechipped.com is making me...not hungry at all, but for some reason so much more excited to lose weight. I realize how much I love cooking and baking and the like, and how little often I get to do it. I wanna try out so many of these recipes-but not even to try them, but to just get it down right...it's an artform, actually...not to mention the presentation ;)

ChocolateChipped.com

And...seems like I've been gone an eternity...only approximately a week and a half. :P

This website...is my ultimate food porn. I don't even really like "real" food, for the most part, what with my mega sweet tooth and all. Likely, though, if left to my own devices, I'd consume nothing but chocolate for the rest of my short lived life.

And then promptly become sick of it.

Hmm...would I rather eat until I never want to eat it again?...or...restrict and savor?...well, obviously :P

Funny-after a week of consuming 2500 + cals daily I lost weight from last week. Water weight, I know-but...141.2 Saturday morning, lowest in history. This morning..143.8, and last Friday 144.6...so I'm technically doing better :P

Kat's...gained weight. I didn't help, today-we were at E's house, and we just had a picnic outside with lil Robbie, making muffins and Kool-Aid, taking pictures and whatnot. Quite the little photographer.

But I can't be apart of it-she hates other people being a part of it. If she's going to invite Anabel back into her life, she needs to do it alone.

...my cousin's ex-boyfriend shot himself in the head Monday morning. I didn't even know what to say when she told me. She had broken up with him a few months back, after (or before?) xmas. She goes through guys so quickly...he had really liked her. :\ I don't know. I think he's recovering still, right now.

Well, okay...I don't know I just haven't been in the proper witty mood to blog :( but hopefully it'll all change. Just keep singing Flo's anthem in my head (and outloud, for that matter): the Dog Days Are Over...*crosses fingers*

(OHHHHHHHHH GOD I NEED TO STOP PICKING AND PULLING MY HAIR'S THINNING AGAIN AND MY ARMS ARE INFECTED I SWEAR...well...it's all up to me...)


(...this pic...fascinates me...)

Sugar Coma

I've eaten Cupcake Pebbles (with SoyMilk :P) until my head's rushed with sugar. I'll probably develop diabetes. Then I promptly purged. I hate this...I promised myself I wouldn't go to these lengths...I don't want to start purging regularly :(

World Comes Crashing Down

She's back. Midas's girlfriend is back.
I haven't seen the two of them together yet. I don't even know if he knows yet.

...In other news I got home, wolfed down a BabyRuth candybar, weighed myself, and saw 142.6....approximately a pound a day gone this past week.

...My life isn't this boring or sad, honest. I just never post when I'm happy, never get a chance to...but I don't know when I'll be happyhappy again, instead of just in denial :(

Meh.

145.2 this morning.

After today, I can just pray it'll stay in the 145 range.

I binged on strawberry cake.

My throat is getting so very sore. It hurts to swallow. Funny thing is, eating soothes it. But I'm just gonna have to deal with hunger AND a bloody raw mucusy throat.

I was happy once...but....

GODAMMIT I'm not this boring and depressed!!

....Oh just wait and see. Soon I'll be back to my bubbly chirpy self.

....I hope.

First Day...of my Last Day

Well, that technically isn't correct.

I consider *tomorrow* to be the first day of my, well...first day.
I've been living in a haze, but Kat may or may not be with me in this one. Then again, if she does decide to give into Ana, I won't be seeing a bit of her until she loses another 15-20 pounds. During that period of time there's no telling what sort of mood she'll be in. Ah, I know what she's going through :P

Midas is definitely regaining interest. He never visits on a rainy day. He never did, anyway. He did today. And I fucked it all up by eating-bingeing-this entire week.

Well, starting weight must be close to 147.

I did this before-I can do it again.

(Oh, and darn my chemistry teacher--wonderful lady, but she has this incessant need to play her music while we test...very...important...test. This is so unprofessional.
THERE IS NO WAY I CAN CONCENTRATE WHILE "LOVEFOOL"-THE CARDIGANS IS PLAYING!!)

This Is Real

The weight gain is crazy.

I don't give a FUCK if I can still count 5 of my ribs on either side.
It doesn't matter if my collar bones stick out.

There are plenty of fat girls who have this.

All I can focus on is the muffin top.

The rolls of back fat.

The cellulite on my ass.

I'm sad again. I tried to be optimistic for all of 3 days...and that led to gaining 6 pounds.
I don't know how much of that is water weight. It doesn't matter.

THAT NUMBER CANNOT GO UP.

Anymore, anyway.

This Is Real

Almost "Normal" Eating Habits...gah.

I fucking hate those moments when I remember that I hate my life.

When Midas ignores me or flirts with another girl.
When Kat freaks out and has one of her mood swings leaving me all alone for no reason.
When my mother gets drunk and explodes, throwing things and hurtful comments and accusations. When I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

For awhile, the only way I could deal with these feelings was to battle them with hunger-that's why I lost 4 pounds(ok all water weight but still :P) last week.
Everytime something like this happened, all I could do was feel eternally grateful that I had, at least, not eaten.

Now, I've been eating "normally", and these things are still sometimes happening. I want to fast again. I had a system: fast one day, eat a small 500> meal mid-day, then fast the next day. For about a week, and I lost permanently.

I want to be happy while I do it though...so we'll see.

B: *bowl of Cheerios w/ skim milk
*handful of Hot Fries
L: *3 baby carrots
*banana
*4 saltine crackers
*mustard on bit of grilled chicke
MISC: *piece of lemon meriangue pie
*piece of chocolate cake
D: *3 florets broccoli
*small slice of grilled chicken

...I always binge on sweets. Always.

Well, they're officially no longer allowed. That, or carbs. Or dairy. Or meat.

(...oh hell. not like I was eating very healthily anyway...)

TOTAL INTAKE: Possibly over 2,000.

..................................

Well ok. I looked in the mirror at school without hating myself. So maybe that's a step in the right direction for my self-esteem.
Question is...do I really want to be okay with this?
Better yet: Will I ever be okay with this?

I Will Be Happy I Will Be Happy I Will

Be Happy until ana's side effects truly kick in.

And then I'll be crying on and off depressed for the next some odd weeks.

So I gained all the weight I lost this past week. Crying and depressed.

Today I ate...oh hell I don't even know. It's over ...3,000 I'm sure.

I'm in denial. I've yet to weigh myself. All I know is my waist expanded, which is scary enough. I could throw up. I could. But I know once I'd start I'd never be able to stop...and anorexic habits are one thing...mia's something else entirely.

I want to be happy. Singing stupid upbeat songs to myself, dancing, hope to get the hell off the computer in a bit to try and do the homework due tomorrow morning...(I had a week :P)

I'll exercise later, and then pee...and then weigh. I don't even care. I will soon enough, though.

It's going to be in the 145 range, I'm sure.

I can still puke...I can still do take laxatives...

BUT I HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE FAT FOR ONE MORE DAY THAN BE ALIVE FOR ONE LESS.

(...well, I figure the more I puke/purge/fast for days on the end the shorter my lifespan will be.)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY I MUST BE HAPPY

even on such a craptacular day such as this.

nothing new, of course. i made those red velvet cupcakes. god...i'm so pathetic this is what i was looking forward to on v-day.

I FINALLY FUCKING SAW AVATAR>>>>>>>>>and it was okay.

actually, it was more than okay. i sort of understand why people get so fucking wet over this film. it was spectacular. a little creepy...a little awesome.

i don't know. i hope i haven't gone back up to 145. i'm in denial.

141.6

The lowest weight I've yet to see.

I don't even feel like writing today...I'm so depressed. :(

I just wanted to add that little update-I'll include more later.

I am making red velvet cupcakes for Monday, a sort of belated V-day gift to some people. Buttercream icing and everything.
I've promised 24 people...so none for me. I can't let people down now, can I?

143.4

Well I've reached another new record low.

Yippee hooray.

Fasted yesterday...ah depression. Woke up 143.4.

That was in the morning-I weighed 143.6 last time I checked. But that's because I ate an apple and banana, and drank tons of water...and of course that piece of red velvet cake...that I so quickly purged...so when I exercise tonight, I won't get nausea from dehydration. At least I've learned my lesson.

There's been so much going on...I feel like the only thing I can do-other than hurt myself or lose my sanity-is to just lose weight. Then I won't feel so useless.

Midas may be regaining interest. I'm not sure-but he walks by more often, he seems to seek me out. I don't know what to do with this information.

...I've figured it out. I am so...angry. And I don't know what to do with my anger. But I know that it's hell to feel guilty about food and weight and inadequacy along with this helpless anger. Well, I don't have to be helpless...




I don't know. There's just something about Florence that inspires me.

BK

I could have ordered the Triple Stacker...and order of onion rings...a large Coke (actually, nah--I don't drink soda at all anymore. It just tastes bad to me)...but I didn't.

I ordered a Tendercrisp, with veggies, but they mixed it up with my mom's who didn't want any, so...oh, and no mayo. Just mustard.

Grabbed a couple fries from mum, and ordered ...

A Cupcake Sundae Shake.

It scares me. It's still untouched in my freezer. A small, I think, is:

-900 calories
-100 g fat
-100 g sugar

something like that. Enough to scare me.

I took a bite of everything and decided it wasn't worth it.

It doesn't even taste that good.

Okay, so I woke up this morning at 145.2.

Mind you, this is AFTER bingeing on 2000+ Thursday and Friday.

I'd starve all day, come home and eat cupcakes and cake and icecream and muffins.
Little cousin's birthday, you know, Thursday.

Not even exercised, holy hell. Drinking water though, so not dehydration.

I think my new scale's broken anyway. It'll say 146.2 one second, and when I get on again it'll say 148.6. I wait, step on again, and it's 145.8. Bullshit.
Oh well.

144.6

Right now. Getting home.

It was 145.8 this morning.

So as many people will tell you...the best diet is either going broke or knocking on death's door :P

Monday I didn't even show up to school I was so out of it. A scratchy throat on Saturday escalated into a fullblown mouthful of sandpaper.

A slight pressure in my head led to...well, let's just say I was 98% sure my head would explode if I were to step out of bed :P

I felt better Monday night, and Mom drove to the corner store for a bit of Theraflu (had some Amoxicillin at home). Asked me if I wanted anything.

"Nah thanks."

She brought back the latest issue of Glamour and a bar of chocolate. Aw :)

But...okay. If it had been a little bar of dark Hershey's, I could've saved myself a little bar for later on, when I felt I deserved it.

But she purchased a King-Sized bar of milk chocolate...so it's just lying there. Unwrapped. Evil dirty thing.

I don't know...I'm tired. I was freaked out about an essay I totally forgot to prepare for today, but I think I did sufficiently...and that's about it for now.

I guess.

Sigh...well, how about a little Florence thinspo before I'm to leave?


and...

146.2...in the AM.

Didn't gain more than 2 pounds of water weight today, which can be easily burned off.

Started my period...a week early, wtf. Almost stained myself at school. Good thing I randomly decided to go take a piss.

About halfway through the day I panicked, thinking I had lost a check for the fundraising crap worth more than $50. Ripped a hank of my hair out without meaning to...almost cried. Turns out, I left the check on my kitchen counter. :P

I think I have an essay to write tomorrow...I was supposed to write it Monday, but since Monday was my lucky day (in which none of the homework I didn't do was due...and no fucking quizzes in every class we constantly quiz in) we didn't.

I had two days...and now I'm screwed again. Should have studied. I don't have the motivation. I'll just wing it...but likely fail this one, whereas other things I've done without studying I've passed...

And yes, I'm rambling.

Kat had a fucking meltdown today-apparently since the accident she hadn't let out any emotion at all.
She takes off during 1st period, and when I go outside she's crying in the hall, hyperventilating.

I take her to the counselor, who tells her to "calm down and be thankful she's alive...and try to move on with her life."

...I was THIS close to ripping out that tranny's tracks...

I have to exercise...but I don't have my music...I'll have to push myself anyway...

I have a new thinspo, though:



and I want to be able to wear something short like that. I would totally be the type of girl to live in skirts. Surprisingly.
...But only if I weren't to look like a stuck pig in them.

Going Digital

Finally--I invested in an actual digital scale.

What I weighed as soon as I got home the day I bought it Saturday afternoon:

148.8.

What I weighed when I got home today:

146.8.

I know I'm just going to obsess...but maybe I need something to focus on.

(And?!...it IS two pounds ahead, so...I didn't really weigh 145. I weighed 147. Oh well, at least it's going down.)

Water retention....the bane of my life.

Okay, not really.

But it still bothers me.

Not just to see the numbers on the scale creep up, but physically...blah!

Yesterday I played hooky, faking a lil nausea to get out of school. I just...needed a day off. Ask, and you shall receive.

Unfortunately, the nausea thing wasn't enough to make them get off my back.

They made Jell-O, and tons of soup.

I didn't feel that bad, sipping bouillon drinks...but I forgot how much freakin sodium is in one 10-cal serving.

This morning I had gained almost 3...and my eyes were swollen shut.

I'm drinking my weight in water--just get out all this extra liquid, without dehydrating. Hopefully I'll be at a new goal by my next post...

More food dreams.

We've all had them.

We've all woken up in a cold sweat,
fear humilation failure guilt
running through our minds, still numbed by sleep.

The memory of whatever it was, the taste, the feel of it as you consumed it...

And then the realization that it was just a dream.

I always have them after fasting the day previous. This time, though, I even managed to restrict in my subconscious...meaning I only dug into the carton of ice cream 3 times, instead of 40.

But anyway: I weight 145 this morning. Well, 145.5 (and this isn't exactly accurate--my scale isn't digital, so I could only assume, as I saw the little red line in between numbers).

It was 145 by noon, and I knew I had to eat--being home all day, mom excited about the game, wanting to barbeque and cook pizza and make pasta salad.

I settled for:

*1/2 can of soup (120 cal/1g fat)
*1 oatmeal cream cookie (170 cal/7g fat)

:( The latter disgusts me. But I managed to stay out of binge-mode. Instead of downing 4 of them, I only had one...so my total outcome is 290, round off to 300. (You never know.)

.......................I am so scared I'll go back for another. But it won't just be another fattening cookie...it would turn into three.
.......................And then I would take a spoon and dig out a few bites of pasta salad, left in the fridge. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I'd eat it just the same.
.......................I would get back on that scale, and see the number climb up, ruining all of my precious work.

I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I WON'T

So I just have to preoccupy myself until 5, which is my limit for eating.
Then I won't be able to allow myself, or bargain with myself.

Still....fasting tomorrow, consuming x<500 on Tuesday, and maybe I'll be able to gain control again. Stop wanting it so damn much.

NO MORE SUGAR!!!
{Yup, I gave in today, but that's just wrong. No sugar, no bread, no meat, and then when your weight's under control you can eat healthily...which is all I really want.}

My next goal is 142. And then, hopefully, 140.

Then......130's, here I come!

147!!

I like that number. It's my favorite big one--11 is my normal lucky one.

Of course, just because I'm going down doesn't mean I'm happy with my weight.

Watching that little red line tip day after day in the RIGHT direction is a bit of a pick-me-up, but what I see in the mirror, feel in my clothes, is so much worse.

I don't know when I'll be happy. I don't think I ever will be, to be honest.

I've lost a pound a day since Monday...I woke up weighing 150.

This morning, 147, and when I exercise tonite some more it'll be under that, so...by morning hopefully 146 > x ?

Truth be told...haven't lost it by fasting.

I've eaten between 1000 and 1500 cals every day, and yet I've lost. Unsure if it's just water weight or what...but I need to fast tomorrow :( This week has just been too tramautizing.

Well, Monday was rather spectacular...but everyday this week I started looking forward to its end before 9 in the am.

Tomorrow I want to fast. I need to. It's so easy, at school...nobody watches, nobody cares. It's perfectly normal to sit around talking instead of EATINGCONSUMINGFEASTING.

I haven't been picking or pulling as much--or, at least, it's in intervals.

For a few days, I hardly touched my hair at all, except for nasty monday when I didn't have enough time to properly wash it and it was a slick greaseball all day. Ick.

Sometimes I catch myself playing with split ends...but no yanking in sight.

Those are my main goals, after all:
-Stop picking
-Stop pulling
-Stop indulging (food, etc.)
-Stop being so NERVOUS

All of those things are a result of my little anxieties, anyhow. If I can control them...maybe I can control other important things.

I hate setting goals for myself, though...it only depresses me if I don't reach them fast enough, and then I break them, and then I'm only more discouraged.

So no goals, K? Just...try your best, and I hope I can do it.
I know I can.
I think. :P

OH and I absolutely ADORE Delays! "Lost In A Melody"...mmm...top 3 favorite band!

Interesting. Very, very interesting.

It's so strange to look back on previous posts or things like that and see how hopeful and determined I was.

Fast-forward however many months: and it's just not what I thought it would be.

Maybe because things just haven't been so easy? Breaks are the worse- from school or work or wherever, and you just have family. Unless you can flee and escape them for awhile, you're going to have to play along.

Maybe I haven't been doing so well because I was discouraged-I thought I only weight 150, 149 minus water weight, until I visited my friend's house. Decided to try out her electronic scale.

Apparently mine is off...WAY off. Scarily so.

That morning, my scale read 149. After a day of fasting with moderate exercise (constantly moving around) it probably would have read something like 148.

I step on, looking forward to seeing that "4"... and it's an even 152.0-----

....???....

....!!!....

But I haven't fasted since last Sunday. I was super-excited about it, too, exercising cleaning all day. But I binged Monday, and gained a pound from what I had lost.

This past week, I've meant to fast, but have only restricted moderately.

I always end up going over 1000...but never over 1500.

Plus, I work my ass off every day, burning about 500. --(Give me a break, here...I have no equipment :(

So it's gone down...except it's going back up.

Today I unfortunately went over the 1800 mark, and dinner's been prepared...I'll try and get out of it, but if I have to...complain about a stomachache?

I wanted to save a post until I was sure I was definitely set in the 140's.

But why wait?