More food dreams.

We've all had them.

We've all woken up in a cold sweat,
fear humilation failure guilt
running through our minds, still numbed by sleep.

The memory of whatever it was, the taste, the feel of it as you consumed it...

And then the realization that it was just a dream.

I always have them after fasting the day previous. This time, though, I even managed to restrict in my subconscious...meaning I only dug into the carton of ice cream 3 times, instead of 40.

But anyway: I weight 145 this morning. Well, 145.5 (and this isn't exactly accurate--my scale isn't digital, so I could only assume, as I saw the little red line in between numbers).

It was 145 by noon, and I knew I had to eat--being home all day, mom excited about the game, wanting to barbeque and cook pizza and make pasta salad.

I settled for:

*1/2 can of soup (120 cal/1g fat)
*1 oatmeal cream cookie (170 cal/7g fat)

:( The latter disgusts me. But I managed to stay out of binge-mode. Instead of downing 4 of them, I only had one...so my total outcome is 290, round off to 300. (You never know.)

.......................I am so scared I'll go back for another. But it won't just be another fattening cookie...it would turn into three.
.......................And then I would take a spoon and dig out a few bites of pasta salad, left in the fridge. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I'd eat it just the same.
.......................I would get back on that scale, and see the number climb up, ruining all of my precious work.

I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I WON'T

So I just have to preoccupy myself until 5, which is my limit for eating.
Then I won't be able to allow myself, or bargain with myself.

Still....fasting tomorrow, consuming x<500 on Tuesday, and maybe I'll be able to gain control again. Stop wanting it so damn much.

NO MORE SUGAR!!!
{Yup, I gave in today, but that's just wrong. No sugar, no bread, no meat, and then when your weight's under control you can eat healthily...which is all I really want.}

My next goal is 142. And then, hopefully, 140.

Then......130's, here I come!