I Will Be Happy I Will Be Happy I Will

Be Happy until ana's side effects truly kick in.

And then I'll be crying on and off depressed for the next some odd weeks.

So I gained all the weight I lost this past week. Crying and depressed.

Today I ate...oh hell I don't even know. It's over ...3,000 I'm sure.

I'm in denial. I've yet to weigh myself. All I know is my waist expanded, which is scary enough. I could throw up. I could. But I know once I'd start I'd never be able to stop...and anorexic habits are one thing...mia's something else entirely.

I want to be happy. Singing stupid upbeat songs to myself, dancing, hope to get the hell off the computer in a bit to try and do the homework due tomorrow morning...(I had a week :P)

I'll exercise later, and then pee...and then weigh. I don't even care. I will soon enough, though.

It's going to be in the 145 range, I'm sure.

I can still puke...I can still do take laxatives...

BUT I HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE FAT FOR ONE MORE DAY THAN BE ALIVE FOR ONE LESS.

(...well, I figure the more I puke/purge/fast for days on the end the shorter my lifespan will be.)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY I MUST BE HAPPY

even on such a craptacular day such as this.

nothing new, of course. i made those red velvet cupcakes. god...i'm so pathetic this is what i was looking forward to on v-day.

I FINALLY FUCKING SAW AVATAR>>>>>>>>>and it was okay.

actually, it was more than okay. i sort of understand why people get so fucking wet over this film. it was spectacular. a little creepy...a little awesome.

i don't know. i hope i haven't gone back up to 145. i'm in denial.