Meh.

145.2 this morning.

After today, I can just pray it'll stay in the 145 range.

I binged on strawberry cake.

My throat is getting so very sore. It hurts to swallow. Funny thing is, eating soothes it. But I'm just gonna have to deal with hunger AND a bloody raw mucusy throat.

I was happy once...but....

GODAMMIT I'm not this boring and depressed!!

....Oh just wait and see. Soon I'll be back to my bubbly chirpy self.

....I hope.

First Day...of my Last Day

Well, that technically isn't correct.

I consider *tomorrow* to be the first day of my, well...first day.
I've been living in a haze, but Kat may or may not be with me in this one. Then again, if she does decide to give into Ana, I won't be seeing a bit of her until she loses another 15-20 pounds. During that period of time there's no telling what sort of mood she'll be in. Ah, I know what she's going through :P

Midas is definitely regaining interest. He never visits on a rainy day. He never did, anyway. He did today. And I fucked it all up by eating-bingeing-this entire week.

Well, starting weight must be close to 147.

I did this before-I can do it again.

(Oh, and darn my chemistry teacher--wonderful lady, but she has this incessant need to play her music while we test...very...important...test. This is so unprofessional.
THERE IS NO WAY I CAN CONCENTRATE WHILE "LOVEFOOL"-THE CARDIGANS IS PLAYING!!)

This Is Real

The weight gain is crazy.

I don't give a FUCK if I can still count 5 of my ribs on either side.
It doesn't matter if my collar bones stick out.

There are plenty of fat girls who have this.

All I can focus on is the muffin top.

The rolls of back fat.

The cellulite on my ass.

I'm sad again. I tried to be optimistic for all of 3 days...and that led to gaining 6 pounds.
I don't know how much of that is water weight. It doesn't matter.

THAT NUMBER CANNOT GO UP.

Anymore, anyway.

This Is Real

Almost "Normal" Eating Habits...gah.

I fucking hate those moments when I remember that I hate my life.

When Midas ignores me or flirts with another girl.
When Kat freaks out and has one of her mood swings leaving me all alone for no reason.
When my mother gets drunk and explodes, throwing things and hurtful comments and accusations. When I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

For awhile, the only way I could deal with these feelings was to battle them with hunger-that's why I lost 4 pounds(ok all water weight but still :P) last week.
Everytime something like this happened, all I could do was feel eternally grateful that I had, at least, not eaten.

Now, I've been eating "normally", and these things are still sometimes happening. I want to fast again. I had a system: fast one day, eat a small 500> meal mid-day, then fast the next day. For about a week, and I lost permanently.

I want to be happy while I do it though...so we'll see.

B: *bowl of Cheerios w/ skim milk
*handful of Hot Fries
L: *3 baby carrots
*banana
*4 saltine crackers
*mustard on bit of grilled chicke
MISC: *piece of lemon meriangue pie
*piece of chocolate cake
D: *3 florets broccoli
*small slice of grilled chicken

...I always binge on sweets. Always.

Well, they're officially no longer allowed. That, or carbs. Or dairy. Or meat.

(...oh hell. not like I was eating very healthily anyway...)

TOTAL INTAKE: Possibly over 2,000.

..................................

Well ok. I looked in the mirror at school without hating myself. So maybe that's a step in the right direction for my self-esteem.
Question is...do I really want to be okay with this?
Better yet: Will I ever be okay with this?

I Will Be Happy I Will Be Happy I Will

Be Happy until ana's side effects truly kick in.

And then I'll be crying on and off depressed for the next some odd weeks.

So I gained all the weight I lost this past week. Crying and depressed.

Today I ate...oh hell I don't even know. It's over ...3,000 I'm sure.

I'm in denial. I've yet to weigh myself. All I know is my waist expanded, which is scary enough. I could throw up. I could. But I know once I'd start I'd never be able to stop...and anorexic habits are one thing...mia's something else entirely.

I want to be happy. Singing stupid upbeat songs to myself, dancing, hope to get the hell off the computer in a bit to try and do the homework due tomorrow morning...(I had a week :P)

I'll exercise later, and then pee...and then weigh. I don't even care. I will soon enough, though.

It's going to be in the 145 range, I'm sure.

I can still puke...I can still do take laxatives...

BUT I HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE FAT FOR ONE MORE DAY THAN BE ALIVE FOR ONE LESS.

(...well, I figure the more I puke/purge/fast for days on the end the shorter my lifespan will be.)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY I MUST BE HAPPY

even on such a craptacular day such as this.

nothing new, of course. i made those red velvet cupcakes. god...i'm so pathetic this is what i was looking forward to on v-day.

I FINALLY FUCKING SAW AVATAR>>>>>>>>>and it was okay.

actually, it was more than okay. i sort of understand why people get so fucking wet over this film. it was spectacular. a little creepy...a little awesome.

i don't know. i hope i haven't gone back up to 145. i'm in denial.

141.6

The lowest weight I've yet to see.

I don't even feel like writing today...I'm so depressed. :(

I just wanted to add that little update-I'll include more later.

I am making red velvet cupcakes for Monday, a sort of belated V-day gift to some people. Buttercream icing and everything.
I've promised 24 people...so none for me. I can't let people down now, can I?

143.4

Well I've reached another new record low.

Yippee hooray.

Fasted yesterday...ah depression. Woke up 143.4.

That was in the morning-I weighed 143.6 last time I checked. But that's because I ate an apple and banana, and drank tons of water...and of course that piece of red velvet cake...that I so quickly purged...so when I exercise tonight, I won't get nausea from dehydration. At least I've learned my lesson.

There's been so much going on...I feel like the only thing I can do-other than hurt myself or lose my sanity-is to just lose weight. Then I won't feel so useless.

Midas may be regaining interest. I'm not sure-but he walks by more often, he seems to seek me out. I don't know what to do with this information.

...I've figured it out. I am so...angry. And I don't know what to do with my anger. But I know that it's hell to feel guilty about food and weight and inadequacy along with this helpless anger. Well, I don't have to be helpless...




I don't know. There's just something about Florence that inspires me.

BK

I could have ordered the Triple Stacker...and order of onion rings...a large Coke (actually, nah--I don't drink soda at all anymore. It just tastes bad to me)...but I didn't.

I ordered a Tendercrisp, with veggies, but they mixed it up with my mom's who didn't want any, so...oh, and no mayo. Just mustard.

Grabbed a couple fries from mum, and ordered ...

A Cupcake Sundae Shake.

It scares me. It's still untouched in my freezer. A small, I think, is:

-900 calories
-100 g fat
-100 g sugar

something like that. Enough to scare me.

I took a bite of everything and decided it wasn't worth it.

It doesn't even taste that good.

Okay, so I woke up this morning at 145.2.

Mind you, this is AFTER bingeing on 2000+ Thursday and Friday.

I'd starve all day, come home and eat cupcakes and cake and icecream and muffins.
Little cousin's birthday, you know, Thursday.

Not even exercised, holy hell. Drinking water though, so not dehydration.

I think my new scale's broken anyway. It'll say 146.2 one second, and when I get on again it'll say 148.6. I wait, step on again, and it's 145.8. Bullshit.
Oh well.

144.6

Right now. Getting home.

It was 145.8 this morning.

So as many people will tell you...the best diet is either going broke or knocking on death's door :P

Monday I didn't even show up to school I was so out of it. A scratchy throat on Saturday escalated into a fullblown mouthful of sandpaper.

A slight pressure in my head led to...well, let's just say I was 98% sure my head would explode if I were to step out of bed :P

I felt better Monday night, and Mom drove to the corner store for a bit of Theraflu (had some Amoxicillin at home). Asked me if I wanted anything.

"Nah thanks."

She brought back the latest issue of Glamour and a bar of chocolate. Aw :)

But...okay. If it had been a little bar of dark Hershey's, I could've saved myself a little bar for later on, when I felt I deserved it.

But she purchased a King-Sized bar of milk chocolate...so it's just lying there. Unwrapped. Evil dirty thing.

I don't know...I'm tired. I was freaked out about an essay I totally forgot to prepare for today, but I think I did sufficiently...and that's about it for now.

I guess.

Sigh...well, how about a little Florence thinspo before I'm to leave?


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