I really want to organize it, and design it to my specific needs!!
I haven't even had the time to arrange it... but I can't wait.
I have to start posting now, if for my own sake.)
Hello, I guess.
My name's Phoenix, and I'm still a kid in my teens.
I really need something (and hopefully a few other somebodies) to help keep me on track.
This blog is going to be an outlet, among other things...
I guess this is a weight loss blog, for one...(no, scratch that-it's some sort of ED blog.)
I don't think I have anorexia.
I don't have a distorted image of myself--I know I'm fat. Even if they like to call me "big-boned"; "chubby"; or (my personal favorite) "what? you're not even fucking fat." (The last one is a comment from some of my obese friends. Love them, but I can't trust their 200 lb.+ opinion.)
I don't have bulimia. I've never binged + purged or abused laxatives.
I might have some sort of binge eating disorder... but it's not just that.
I'll admit it, right here and now-I like food.
I love it, in fact... but I hate it at the same time.
I started turning to food, as a kid, during life's suckier moments. I never really stopped, up until a few years ago.
I always knew I wasn't normal, when it came to weight, but I never wanted to change it. I know I can diet and exercise-hell, if I had done that from the beginning, I'd probably be sporting a fucking bikini by now.
But...I don't like eating at the same time. I don't trust food. Sometimes I have these space-out moments (which last so much longer) where I binge out of control, just for the momentary comfort of it, but other moments I can't imagine eating, can't stop thinking about how disgusting it really is. (Er, all bodily functions are disgusting, when you think about it... but I'll get to that later.)
All I know is I have an unhealthy relationship with food at this point. I want-and need-to learn to eat healthier. I think I'll do that after another 20 pounds.
HW: 166 (during the majority of my freshman year of high school)
CW: 152 (god I hope that's right...I need a better scale, one I can trust)
LW: 143 (blessed moments. that was only a few weeks ago, btw. I've gained!!)
GW1: 125
GW2: ?? (I really just want to see what condition my body's at when I weight 125-depending on whether or not I think I need to lose more, we'll go from there.)
I think I gained most of my weight starting last week, after school let out for xmas break.
I was nervous and bored around the house the first day off, didn't have any plans or responsibilities to keep me in check.
I seriously have issues-sometimes I get so nervous I turn to certain things (explain later), but right then and there I just started eating.
I consumed, maybe, 3000+ calories per day. I went out more after that, but that cycle lasted for about 4 days. Monday I realized I had to get my ass into gear, but I've still been bingeing.
Thankfully it wasn't as drastic as before, but still.
Today for example--I go to the hospital to visit my aunt, and my mom insists I eat lunch in the cafeteria.
I ate a huge salad... but then I snacked on xmas cookies left by a friend of the family.
I went to a friend's house, and... on the way home I ate fast food. At ten at nite.
No wonder I'm gaining weight...I refuse to change old habits.
I lost 15 pounds last summer, and not because I was making an actual effort.
I was seriously depressed, and I didn't see the point in eating.
I don't want it to get as bad as it was--I never want to go there again--but I want to sort of retain those feelings of numbness. Maybe then I won't care about food anymore.
I want to get to 130, but I can't set a date for myself. It'll only hurt so much when I fail. So I'll just stop--it'll be crazy difficult with the biggest holidays coming around the corner, but I can do it.
OK....I've rambled on for long enough. Just wanted to post a lil backstory, no matter how vague. I have to start now...I just have to.
Or, I think I should say, just stop. Stop all this panicky behaviour NOW.
