and I just realized...I've officially lost 25+ pounds.
Last year, around this time, I remember weighing in at around 167.
I've lost approximately 10-15 pounds since August.
Kat's gained around the same amount...:(
Not much else, other than I came home fearing 143 because I ate throughout the day, emotionally, in response to Kat's little bitchfest in the morning (oh I know it isn't her fault her mood changes but still...it hurts).
My mouth dropped when I saw the number...and I didn't want to eat anymore.
But I had a serving of chips, hoping to...you know. Food sometimes helps with the digestive process :P and I still have it in me, so I know I'd technically "weigh" less...well, hopepraybegplead I MIGHT ACTUALLY WEIGH 139 IN THE AM...although I'll likely be 140, if I'm lucky...oh poo.
well...25 lost, 25 to go!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
144.6
I beat my arms and legs senseless when I saw that number.
I weighed 141.6 this morning.
I need laxatives.
I'm going vegetarian, maybe vegan. Did you know...that every carton of milk you buy, ones that are factory-made, anyway, are 2% blood and pus from the utters of the cows?
And if you've seen Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, you'd know why I'll never even look at another chicken nugget again...they're basically fried lumps of flour and ground up chicken carcass, minus all the actual usable meat.
Kat told me yesterday how Midas's girlfriend put on her MySpace that she's sick of him already, bored with him. The way he looks at her and holds her suggests he has no clue she feels this way. She won't leave him, yet though-until she finds another guy she can chase after. Because in the end, she's still the kind of girl who likes having a guy around to shower her with affection.
Part of me wants her to just get it the hell over with and dump him, because it kills me to see them together when she doesn't even care. Another...almost wants her to just stay with him until school ends and he moves away. I don't want to see him hurt.
...God fucking dammit. I really thought he had found happiness. Like a bunch of teenagers can be in love :P but they can still form meaningful relationships...the Ice Queen's incapable of love, or commitment, for the matter, though.
GODAMN FLORENCE'S GUITARIST LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MIDAS...I saw the video on YouTube, her performing with Billy Bragg, and I wanted to cry. I haven't seen him in days...
...
I weighed 141.6 this morning.
I need laxatives.
I'm going vegetarian, maybe vegan. Did you know...that every carton of milk you buy, ones that are factory-made, anyway, are 2% blood and pus from the utters of the cows?
And if you've seen Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, you'd know why I'll never even look at another chicken nugget again...they're basically fried lumps of flour and ground up chicken carcass, minus all the actual usable meat.
Kat told me yesterday how Midas's girlfriend put on her MySpace that she's sick of him already, bored with him. The way he looks at her and holds her suggests he has no clue she feels this way. She won't leave him, yet though-until she finds another guy she can chase after. Because in the end, she's still the kind of girl who likes having a guy around to shower her with affection.
Part of me wants her to just get it the hell over with and dump him, because it kills me to see them together when she doesn't even care. Another...almost wants her to just stay with him until school ends and he moves away. I don't want to see him hurt.
...God fucking dammit. I really thought he had found happiness. Like a bunch of teenagers can be in love :P but they can still form meaningful relationships...the Ice Queen's incapable of love, or commitment, for the matter, though.
GODAMN FLORENCE'S GUITARIST LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MIDAS...I saw the video on YouTube, her performing with Billy Bragg, and I wanted to cry. I haven't seen him in days...
...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Yes...I need a muzzle, apparently...
Don't care if I've become one of those annoying people who post a million posts in one day. Well, I went a few weeks without even getting near Blogger, so...make-ups?
I'm coming back, Anabel. It all seems so easy now. For months, I've been eating mindlessly constantly or trying to be okay with eating for pleasure, trying to make deals and promises with myself. Sometimes losing weight, sometimes crazy gaining.
My last crazy phase was last summer, when I lost close to 15 pounds in the course of a couple weeks. (more?...hellifiknow, I didn't record anything)
I knew I was fat-I never once let myself feel good about myself, because it wasn't correct. Wasn't true.
But at the same time, I couldn't see myself as *too* too hideous-I'd freak and want to find comfort in food. I had to be "ok"...but willing to make improvements.
That's how I feel now-I try hard not to look in the mirror, because that's the only way I can not fill myself up mindlessly or go back to forgetting myself and time.
No more will I look to the mirror for reassurance, asking myself "Just a little...?"
No reminders- just work.
After this, I'm just going to do the damn homework. It's not that hard, just slightly time-consuming. Just...forget food, worries, self...be okay :)
(WE'LL SEE HOW LONG *THAT* LASTS...)
I'm coming back, Anabel. It all seems so easy now. For months, I've been eating mindlessly constantly or trying to be okay with eating for pleasure, trying to make deals and promises with myself. Sometimes losing weight, sometimes crazy gaining.
My last crazy phase was last summer, when I lost close to 15 pounds in the course of a couple weeks. (more?...hellifiknow, I didn't record anything)
I knew I was fat-I never once let myself feel good about myself, because it wasn't correct. Wasn't true.
But at the same time, I couldn't see myself as *too* too hideous-I'd freak and want to find comfort in food. I had to be "ok"...but willing to make improvements.
That's how I feel now-I try hard not to look in the mirror, because that's the only way I can not fill myself up mindlessly or go back to forgetting myself and time.
No more will I look to the mirror for reassurance, asking myself "Just a little...?"
No reminders- just work.
After this, I'm just going to do the damn homework. It's not that hard, just slightly time-consuming. Just...forget food, worries, self...be okay :)
(WE'LL SEE HOW LONG *THAT* LASTS...)
Well, I'm home alone and bored...what else can I be expected to do rather than watch television? :P
The documentaries on 8 year old anorexics is just heartbreaking.
And it, for some reason, makes me think of my own little cousin, B. She is, by NO means, anorexic. But she does have an eating disorder. I wish I knew how tall she is, so I could find out her BMI, but as of now all I know is her weight: 105.
That's more than some girls I know who are twice her age.
She's 8, and takes after her mother: obese. Her parents spoil her rotten, trying to make up for the fact she's shy in school and quiet and has been held back almost twice. They'll never admit she might have a learning disability, afraid it'll somehow reflect on THEIR parenting capabilities.
Yesterday...I witnessed her eat 3 hamburgers, with mustard lettuce tomato pickles onions, and a serving of fries. All in the course of maybe 2 hours.
Her uncle brought me, her lil bro, her, and gramma 4 burgers. Cheap but good, $1 at the local burger place. She ate hers...lil bro ate his...gramma saved hers for later. (Why would I eat mine? I'm sick :P)
20 minutes later she proclaims she's still hungry, and eats the extra (mine).
10 minutes later, she wants gramma's.
Gramma gives in, because otherwise she'll throw a fit, and R (lil bro) wants a piece. (Did I fail to mention poor little boy is underweight? His sister eats his food, and is too big of a bully to stop...it's terrible...)
She pushes him down and eats it herself.
No one can stop this little tyrant, because her overprotective father is bipolar and will not fail to lash out at us if any of us make her feel the slightest bad.
Part of me hates her, for being so mean and greedy and...fat.
But another part wishes I could help her, because I see her turning out like me-the awkward chubby girl who turns to food rather than people.
But...I don't know how to stop her. Without fucking her up, I mean...
:(
And it, for some reason, makes me think of my own little cousin, B. She is, by NO means, anorexic. But she does have an eating disorder. I wish I knew how tall she is, so I could find out her BMI, but as of now all I know is her weight: 105.
That's more than some girls I know who are twice her age.
She's 8, and takes after her mother: obese. Her parents spoil her rotten, trying to make up for the fact she's shy in school and quiet and has been held back almost twice. They'll never admit she might have a learning disability, afraid it'll somehow reflect on THEIR parenting capabilities.
Yesterday...I witnessed her eat 3 hamburgers, with mustard lettuce tomato pickles onions, and a serving of fries. All in the course of maybe 2 hours.
Her uncle brought me, her lil bro, her, and gramma 4 burgers. Cheap but good, $1 at the local burger place. She ate hers...lil bro ate his...gramma saved hers for later. (Why would I eat mine? I'm sick :P)
20 minutes later she proclaims she's still hungry, and eats the extra (mine).
10 minutes later, she wants gramma's.
Gramma gives in, because otherwise she'll throw a fit, and R (lil bro) wants a piece. (Did I fail to mention poor little boy is underweight? His sister eats his food, and is too big of a bully to stop...it's terrible...)
She pushes him down and eats it herself.
No one can stop this little tyrant, because her overprotective father is bipolar and will not fail to lash out at us if any of us make her feel the slightest bad.
Part of me hates her, for being so mean and greedy and...fat.
But another part wishes I could help her, because I see her turning out like me-the awkward chubby girl who turns to food rather than people.
But...I don't know how to stop her. Without fucking her up, I mean...
:(
okokokokokokokokokokok
So after leaving the computer...the parents leave for work...and I sneak into the kitchen to eat.
Sneaking, like a dirty little thief.
That's just how it is-when the kitchen, house, is full, I don't feel comfortable enough to eat, or snack. I hide away in my little abode, until the house is empty and mine again.
But I wanted food. I told myself just a little something...
*Half a banana...cause I don't like them that much.
*Yoplait Lite Red Velvet Cake (the color-dusty brick-and the taste scared me a lil, I can't lie, but I still consumed the entire damn 6 oz...waste not want not...:P)
*5 or 6 Club Crackers...
No freakin idea how many cals. I always go over, just to be safe and lie to myself, so I'll say 300. If I can get away with lying to myself later on, 350 or 400.
But it's not just the cals I worry about...my weight just piles on when I eat *anything*...so it had to be almost 10 oz. Not good, cause water weight isn't going down to well when I'm "sick".
...God the selfloathing. It's not even about weight...I'm just so ugly. It's not a self concious teenage girl thing "ohmigawd i hate my self sooooo muuuuuchhhhhh!!!!!!"
...Okay, maybe a lil. But if you were to see me...you'd agree :(
So the weight thing's just a way to deal.
If I'm small, I don't have to worry about being ugly as much.
Or boring. Or weird. Or whatever the hell I worry about myself.
Sneaking, like a dirty little thief.
That's just how it is-when the kitchen, house, is full, I don't feel comfortable enough to eat, or snack. I hide away in my little abode, until the house is empty and mine again.
But I wanted food. I told myself just a little something...
*Half a banana...cause I don't like them that much.
*Yoplait Lite Red Velvet Cake (the color-dusty brick-and the taste scared me a lil, I can't lie, but I still consumed the entire damn 6 oz...waste not want not...:P)
*5 or 6 Club Crackers...
No freakin idea how many cals. I always go over, just to be safe and lie to myself, so I'll say 300. If I can get away with lying to myself later on, 350 or 400.
But it's not just the cals I worry about...my weight just piles on when I eat *anything*...so it had to be almost 10 oz. Not good, cause water weight isn't going down to well when I'm "sick".
...God the selfloathing. It's not even about weight...I'm just so ugly. It's not a self concious teenage girl thing "ohmigawd i hate my self sooooo muuuuuchhhhhh!!!!!!"
...Okay, maybe a lil. But if you were to see me...you'd agree :(
So the weight thing's just a way to deal.
If I'm small, I don't have to worry about being ugly as much.
Or boring. Or weird. Or whatever the hell I worry about myself.
Playin' Hooky
So this is the second day off school...and let's face it: I'm not as sick as I was.
But hey, if you can get a break...cause let's face it, my spring break was hell :\
Shit I'm mad. This morning: 142.6.
Up a pound a day from eating soup and crackers. And Gatorade.
This is disgusting, butttttt....
I haven't really had a real BM or pissed enough in the past while. So I know I'm just full of the food...and yesterday mum made it worse.
I had eaten a can of soup and crackers yesterday, and when mum came home from work she insisted I eat some more. I told her my stomach was painfully full (true) but she insisted in her quiet no-nonsense threatening voice.
So I ate 1/4 a can, and spent the rest of the night in pain, stomach distended, incredibly tired yet unable to lie down because every time I did acid reflux made bile rise in my throat. Yeah.
I think I remember another blogger describing that...for whatever reason, binge or something, they had their stomach distended painfully, and yet you could see all their ribs just above it. I thought it was hilarious and terrible.
I don't know...I'm tired.
But hey, if you can get a break...cause let's face it, my spring break was hell :\
Shit I'm mad. This morning: 142.6.
Up a pound a day from eating soup and crackers. And Gatorade.
This is disgusting, butttttt....
I haven't really had a real BM or pissed enough in the past while. So I know I'm just full of the food...and yesterday mum made it worse.
I had eaten a can of soup and crackers yesterday, and when mum came home from work she insisted I eat some more. I told her my stomach was painfully full (true) but she insisted in her quiet no-nonsense threatening voice.
So I ate 1/4 a can, and spent the rest of the night in pain, stomach distended, incredibly tired yet unable to lie down because every time I did acid reflux made bile rise in my throat. Yeah.
I think I remember another blogger describing that...for whatever reason, binge or something, they had their stomach distended painfully, and yet you could see all their ribs just above it. I thought it was hilarious and terrible.
I don't know...I'm tired.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
140.6
I'm so dizzy I can't concentrate for more than 2 or 3 seconds...I'm not even hungry.
Mum was in a crappy mood yesterday, pissed off she had to deal with me and my illness...but today was better. She makes me write down things I might want at the store, then goes off at around 10:30...still isn't back.
Soup (low sodium), ice pops (strawberry, low cal/all natural), Gatorade (low cal) to help rehydrate. I don't even know if I'll be able to keep it down.
Hopefully I won't be dragged off to school tomorrow...just in case...I really oughta get started on that homework that was due before we left for break :P
Oh joy-so this is how I'm spending the last bits of my spring break...huddled over a toilet or strung out on my bed...:P
I hope hope hope hope hope I'm in the 30s by tomorrow...I'll take 139.8...but ok.
I might not...but I might...we'll just wait and see...
Mum was in a crappy mood yesterday, pissed off she had to deal with me and my illness...but today was better. She makes me write down things I might want at the store, then goes off at around 10:30...still isn't back.
Soup (low sodium), ice pops (strawberry, low cal/all natural), Gatorade (low cal) to help rehydrate. I don't even know if I'll be able to keep it down.
Hopefully I won't be dragged off to school tomorrow...just in case...I really oughta get started on that homework that was due before we left for break :P
Oh joy-so this is how I'm spending the last bits of my spring break...huddled over a toilet or strung out on my bed...:P
I hope hope hope hope hope I'm in the 30s by tomorrow...I'll take 139.8...but ok.
I might not...but I might...we'll just wait and see...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Vomitorium (not purposely)
SOoooooo...today I woke up feeling like crap.
Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.
I weighed 143.0, which was a relief...but...
I thought I'd eat a burger, only, and leave it at that, since I can't fast at home with mum around.
But...I ate a little breakfast bar (70 cal) in the morning. Felt like shit. Told myself I just needed some "real" food to soak up all the damn sugar from yesterday...
Stupid, stupid girl.
Subway-around 1,000 cals with a soup 6" raspberry iced tea and bakedchips.
I felt like shit-knew I overdid it, didn't stop.
The amount of vomit that erupted from my mouth was astounding...and after falling in and out of conciousness for a few hours in bed, fleeing to sleep whenever scary visuals of food attacked me in my delirium, and living on nothing but ice chips, I curiously got on the scale. 141.6. Blessed relief.
Can't eat anything today-the mere sight of food nauseates me, so the smell would kill me.
Tomorrow...if I can't eat...soup. I might puke that shit up too :(
I don't LIKE being sick...but I like the fact my body eats itself up when I am. :P
Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.
I weighed 143.0, which was a relief...but...
I thought I'd eat a burger, only, and leave it at that, since I can't fast at home with mum around.
But...I ate a little breakfast bar (70 cal) in the morning. Felt like shit. Told myself I just needed some "real" food to soak up all the damn sugar from yesterday...
Stupid, stupid girl.
Subway-around 1,000 cals with a soup 6" raspberry iced tea and bakedchips.
I felt like shit-knew I overdid it, didn't stop.
The amount of vomit that erupted from my mouth was astounding...and after falling in and out of conciousness for a few hours in bed, fleeing to sleep whenever scary visuals of food attacked me in my delirium, and living on nothing but ice chips, I curiously got on the scale. 141.6. Blessed relief.
Can't eat anything today-the mere sight of food nauseates me, so the smell would kill me.
Tomorrow...if I can't eat...soup. I might puke that shit up too :(
I don't LIKE being sick...but I like the fact my body eats itself up when I am. :P
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Double Post...All-Nighter?
Soooooo insanely in love with MGMT right now-listening to "Electric Feel" on repeat. That, and, "Lolita"-Throw Me The Statue. And "All Day and All of the Night"-The Kinks.
The night is young...but I might stay up all night. And hopefully the day after, as well :P
Seriously, chocolatechipped.com is making me...not hungry at all, but for some reason so much more excited to lose weight. I realize how much I love cooking and baking and the like, and how little often I get to do it. I wanna try out so many of these recipes-but not even to try them, but to just get it down right...it's an artform, actually...not to mention the presentation ;)
The night is young...but I might stay up all night. And hopefully the day after, as well :P
Seriously, chocolatechipped.com is making me...not hungry at all, but for some reason so much more excited to lose weight. I realize how much I love cooking and baking and the like, and how little often I get to do it. I wanna try out so many of these recipes-but not even to try them, but to just get it down right...it's an artform, actually...not to mention the presentation ;)
ChocolateChipped.com
And...seems like I've been gone an eternity...only approximately a week and a half. :P
This website...is my ultimate food porn. I don't even really like "real" food, for the most part, what with my mega sweet tooth and all. Likely, though, if left to my own devices, I'd consume nothing but chocolate for the rest of my short lived life.
And then promptly become sick of it.
Hmm...would I rather eat until I never want to eat it again?...or...restrict and savor?...well, obviously :P
Funny-after a week of consuming 2500 + cals daily I lost weight from last week. Water weight, I know-but...141.2 Saturday morning, lowest in history. This morning..143.8, and last Friday 144.6...so I'm technically doing better :P
Kat's...gained weight. I didn't help, today-we were at E's house, and we just had a picnic outside with lil Robbie, making muffins and Kool-Aid, taking pictures and whatnot. Quite the little photographer.
But I can't be apart of it-she hates other people being a part of it. If she's going to invite Anabel back into her life, she needs to do it alone.
...my cousin's ex-boyfriend shot himself in the head Monday morning. I didn't even know what to say when she told me. She had broken up with him a few months back, after (or before?) xmas. She goes through guys so quickly...he had really liked her. :\ I don't know. I think he's recovering still, right now.
Well, okay...I don't know I just haven't been in the proper witty mood to blog :( but hopefully it'll all change. Just keep singing Flo's anthem in my head (and outloud, for that matter): the Dog Days Are Over...*crosses fingers*
(OHHHHHHHHH GOD I NEED TO STOP PICKING AND PULLING MY HAIR'S THINNING AGAIN AND MY ARMS ARE INFECTED I SWEAR...well...it's all up to me...)
(...this pic...fascinates me...)
This website...is my ultimate food porn. I don't even really like "real" food, for the most part, what with my mega sweet tooth and all. Likely, though, if left to my own devices, I'd consume nothing but chocolate for the rest of my short lived life.
And then promptly become sick of it.
Hmm...would I rather eat until I never want to eat it again?...or...restrict and savor?...well, obviously :P
Funny-after a week of consuming 2500 + cals daily I lost weight from last week. Water weight, I know-but...141.2 Saturday morning, lowest in history. This morning..143.8, and last Friday 144.6...so I'm technically doing better :P
Kat's...gained weight. I didn't help, today-we were at E's house, and we just had a picnic outside with lil Robbie, making muffins and Kool-Aid, taking pictures and whatnot. Quite the little photographer.
But I can't be apart of it-she hates other people being a part of it. If she's going to invite Anabel back into her life, she needs to do it alone.
...my cousin's ex-boyfriend shot himself in the head Monday morning. I didn't even know what to say when she told me. She had broken up with him a few months back, after (or before?) xmas. She goes through guys so quickly...he had really liked her. :\ I don't know. I think he's recovering still, right now.
Well, okay...I don't know I just haven't been in the proper witty mood to blog :( but hopefully it'll all change. Just keep singing Flo's anthem in my head (and outloud, for that matter): the Dog Days Are Over...*crosses fingers*
(OHHHHHHHHH GOD I NEED TO STOP PICKING AND PULLING MY HAIR'S THINNING AGAIN AND MY ARMS ARE INFECTED I SWEAR...well...it's all up to me...)
(...this pic...fascinates me...)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Sugar Coma
I've eaten Cupcake Pebbles (with SoyMilk :P) until my head's rushed with sugar. I'll probably develop diabetes. Then I promptly purged. I hate this...I promised myself I wouldn't go to these lengths...I don't want to start purging regularly :(
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
World Comes Crashing Down
She's back. Midas's girlfriend is back.
I haven't seen the two of them together yet. I don't even know if he knows yet.
...In other news I got home, wolfed down a BabyRuth candybar, weighed myself, and saw 142.6....approximately a pound a day gone this past week.
...My life isn't this boring or sad, honest. I just never post when I'm happy, never get a chance to...but I don't know when I'll be happyhappy again, instead of just in denial :(
I haven't seen the two of them together yet. I don't even know if he knows yet.
...In other news I got home, wolfed down a BabyRuth candybar, weighed myself, and saw 142.6....approximately a pound a day gone this past week.
...My life isn't this boring or sad, honest. I just never post when I'm happy, never get a chance to...but I don't know when I'll be happyhappy again, instead of just in denial :(
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