138.6

This morning. Without even starving (*AHEM* fasting)

OF course, I just ate a small DQ Blizzard, French Silk Pie.
-680 calories
-31 g fat

...I was freaking this morning...woke up hungry, but there's no food in the house.
Well, frozen pizza, pancake batter, and white bread do not count.

But nothing else.

I didn't want frozen veggies-it was ten in the morning.

I didn't want crackers-they're way too salty, I thought.

I sat on my bed rocking back and forth my tear ducts filled with the familiar tension, but no tears.

Then mom took a shower, and since Anabel doesn't let me eat around other people, I took this opportunity to eat 4 jellybeans and 2 saltine crackers with mustard.

I felt okay...no freaking out because of the eating.

Then I had the blizzard. But...I want so badly to stay in the 30s.

YAYYYYYYYY I fit into my friend's old size ten jeans!! :D

Last time I tried em on, they fit, but with massive amounts of excess flesh that spillth over.

Now, NO muffin top.

I look like...normal, almost, in them.

I have to finish all the damn homework this afternoon...including the damn english essay from a week ago. "Define the similiarties and differences between the novel "Hunger Games" and the film series "The Matrix".

I'm gonna throw in some mentions of Baudrillard, just to excite my teacher :P Most of the kids in my class would just copy the little intro she provided with us, and add some more mentions of how they're both about people who kill each other.

Damn this fake advanced class, for the stupid kids who want the credit.
Damn my wonderful teacher, who is so forgiving with grades.

I am a terrrible, terrible person.

She dumped him. Cowardly, wouldn't even talk to him, just ran away when he tried to talk to her.

I deserve to fucking die for making my little cousin cry. I had a bad day, I was outright cruel. "Only stupid people watch T.V."

I know it's not her fault she's dyslexic. I didn't mean to make her cry.

Stupid bitch. Die.

Easter Goodies

some random asian-ana's thighs-she weighs in at around 80 pounds now...then again, she's like 8 inches shorter :\

AND ABOUT EASTER:
I just know mommy made me a basket :) :P

I think. She got me something, which hasn't happened since I was about 9.

It might be "Oracular Spectacular"-MGMT and a chocolate bunny. If I'm lucky.

I made her this random tiny little card, decorated and everything, with one of my snarky sentiments inside and everything...:P

But just when I thought we were making headway, with the whole "let's not try to kill each other for just a few days" thing, she was in a crazy bad mood today, and after a few beers in the morning, was positively vicious, talking about how much she hated me, what a mistake I was, how much she wanted me out of the house, blahblahyapyapshit.

Not eating breakfast, or lunch, and feeling down, whereas I would normally scream back, I just ate a handful of jellybeans. I should have retreated into my room, but I had to do chores.

Well...here's to surviving my family's foodfest tomorrow :P

oh Flo I luv your legs...hair...voice...you...i mean-yeah.

139.8

Freaked yesterday, because I woke up at 141.6 and weighed myself at night at 154.6.

Threw my scale in my closet and dedicated myself to barricading myself in my room.

Went to the movies with Kat, and neither of us had more than five bucks (in other words, no room for food) Not that either of us are real big on snacking during movies.

Walked around town for awhile, but her sister wouldn't give me a ride when she came to pick her up...coughcough...so I had to call Mom and run back to the theater.

Got home, mildly curious, and the number just popped out at me. Of course, I gorged myself on Special K, so...still :)

Yeah, no, FUCK my scale. Again.

Too bad it's broken.

140.6 in the AM, after bingeing emotionally and mindlessly in the morning, and drinking tons of water upon coming home, 141.8...at around 7.

I felt I could deal with this-it would go down, and then even more as I slept.

Fuck that shit-at 9, it had jumped to 142.2, without eating or drinking.

An hour ago, it was 142.6.

Screw that thing.

Took liquid laxative, and fuckit nothing's happening...my stomach's just bumbly, I'm a little nauseous, and dammit I want a fucking Baby Ruth bar.

140.2

and I just realized...I've officially lost 25+ pounds.

Last year, around this time, I remember weighing in at around 167.

I've lost approximately 10-15 pounds since August.

Kat's gained around the same amount...:(

Not much else, other than I came home fearing 143 because I ate throughout the day, emotionally, in response to Kat's little bitchfest in the morning (oh I know it isn't her fault her mood changes but still...it hurts).

My mouth dropped when I saw the number...and I didn't want to eat anymore.

But I had a serving of chips, hoping to...you know. Food sometimes helps with the digestive process :P and I still have it in me, so I know I'd technically "weigh" less...well, hopepraybegplead I MIGHT ACTUALLY WEIGH 139 IN THE AM...although I'll likely be 140, if I'm lucky...oh poo.

well...25 lost, 25 to go!

Along Came A Spider...

144.6

I beat my arms and legs senseless when I saw that number.

I weighed 141.6 this morning.

I need laxatives.

I'm going vegetarian, maybe vegan. Did you know...that every carton of milk you buy, ones that are factory-made, anyway, are 2% blood and pus from the utters of the cows?

And if you've seen Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, you'd know why I'll never even look at another chicken nugget again...they're basically fried lumps of flour and ground up chicken carcass, minus all the actual usable meat.

Kat told me yesterday how Midas's girlfriend put on her MySpace that she's sick of him already, bored with him. The way he looks at her and holds her suggests he has no clue she feels this way. She won't leave him, yet though-until she finds another guy she can chase after. Because in the end, she's still the kind of girl who likes having a guy around to shower her with affection.

Part of me wants her to just get it the hell over with and dump him, because it kills me to see them together when she doesn't even care. Another...almost wants her to just stay with him until school ends and he moves away. I don't want to see him hurt.

...God fucking dammit. I really thought he had found happiness. Like a bunch of teenagers can be in love :P but they can still form meaningful relationships...the Ice Queen's incapable of love, or commitment, for the matter, though.

GODAMN FLORENCE'S GUITARIST LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MIDAS...I saw the video on YouTube, her performing with Billy Bragg, and I wanted to cry. I haven't seen him in days...

...

Yes...I need a muzzle, apparently...

Don't care if I've become one of those annoying people who post a million posts in one day. Well, I went a few weeks without even getting near Blogger, so...make-ups?

I'm coming back, Anabel. It all seems so easy now. For months, I've been eating mindlessly constantly or trying to be okay with eating for pleasure, trying to make deals and promises with myself. Sometimes losing weight, sometimes crazy gaining.

My last crazy phase was last summer, when I lost close to 15 pounds in the course of a couple weeks. (more?...hellifiknow, I didn't record anything)

I knew I was fat-I never once let myself feel good about myself, because it wasn't correct. Wasn't true.

But at the same time, I couldn't see myself as *too* too hideous-I'd freak and want to find comfort in food. I had to be "ok"...but willing to make improvements.

That's how I feel now-I try hard not to look in the mirror, because that's the only way I can not fill myself up mindlessly or go back to forgetting myself and time.

No more will I look to the mirror for reassurance, asking myself "Just a little...?"

No reminders- just work.

After this, I'm just going to do the damn homework. It's not that hard, just slightly time-consuming. Just...forget food, worries, self...be okay :)

(WE'LL SEE HOW LONG *THAT* LASTS...)

Well, I'm home alone and bored...what else can I be expected to do rather than watch television? :P

The documentaries on 8 year old anorexics is just heartbreaking.

And it, for some reason, makes me think of my own little cousin, B. She is, by NO means, anorexic. But she does have an eating disorder. I wish I knew how tall she is, so I could find out her BMI, but as of now all I know is her weight: 105.

That's more than some girls I know who are twice her age.

She's 8, and takes after her mother: obese. Her parents spoil her rotten, trying to make up for the fact she's shy in school and quiet and has been held back almost twice. They'll never admit she might have a learning disability, afraid it'll somehow reflect on THEIR parenting capabilities.

Yesterday...I witnessed her eat 3 hamburgers, with mustard lettuce tomato pickles onions, and a serving of fries. All in the course of maybe 2 hours.

Her uncle brought me, her lil bro, her, and gramma 4 burgers. Cheap but good, $1 at the local burger place. She ate hers...lil bro ate his...gramma saved hers for later. (Why would I eat mine? I'm sick :P)

20 minutes later she proclaims she's still hungry, and eats the extra (mine).
10 minutes later, she wants gramma's.

Gramma gives in, because otherwise she'll throw a fit, and R (lil bro) wants a piece. (Did I fail to mention poor little boy is underweight? His sister eats his food, and is too big of a bully to stop...it's terrible...)

She pushes him down and eats it herself.

No one can stop this little tyrant, because her overprotective father is bipolar and will not fail to lash out at us if any of us make her feel the slightest bad.

Part of me hates her, for being so mean and greedy and...fat.

But another part wishes I could help her, because I see her turning out like me-the awkward chubby girl who turns to food rather than people.

But...I don't know how to stop her. Without fucking her up, I mean...

:(

okokokokokokokokokokok

So after leaving the computer...the parents leave for work...and I sneak into the kitchen to eat.

Sneaking, like a dirty little thief.

That's just how it is-when the kitchen, house, is full, I don't feel comfortable enough to eat, or snack. I hide away in my little abode, until the house is empty and mine again.

But I wanted food. I told myself just a little something...

*Half a banana...cause I don't like them that much.
*Yoplait Lite Red Velvet Cake (the color-dusty brick-and the taste scared me a lil, I can't lie, but I still consumed the entire damn 6 oz...waste not want not...:P)
*5 or 6 Club Crackers...

No freakin idea how many cals. I always go over, just to be safe and lie to myself, so I'll say 300. If I can get away with lying to myself later on, 350 or 400.

But it's not just the cals I worry about...my weight just piles on when I eat *anything*...so it had to be almost 10 oz. Not good, cause water weight isn't going down to well when I'm "sick".

...God the selfloathing. It's not even about weight...I'm just so ugly. It's not a self concious teenage girl thing "ohmigawd i hate my self sooooo muuuuuchhhhhh!!!!!!"
...Okay, maybe a lil. But if you were to see me...you'd agree :(

So the weight thing's just a way to deal.

If I'm small, I don't have to worry about being ugly as much.
Or boring. Or weird. Or whatever the hell I worry about myself.