146.2...in the AM.

Didn't gain more than 2 pounds of water weight today, which can be easily burned off.

Started my period...a week early, wtf. Almost stained myself at school. Good thing I randomly decided to go take a piss.

About halfway through the day I panicked, thinking I had lost a check for the fundraising crap worth more than $50. Ripped a hank of my hair out without meaning to...almost cried. Turns out, I left the check on my kitchen counter. :P

I think I have an essay to write tomorrow...I was supposed to write it Monday, but since Monday was my lucky day (in which none of the homework I didn't do was due...and no fucking quizzes in every class we constantly quiz in) we didn't.

I had two days...and now I'm screwed again. Should have studied. I don't have the motivation. I'll just wing it...but likely fail this one, whereas other things I've done without studying I've passed...

And yes, I'm rambling.

Kat had a fucking meltdown today-apparently since the accident she hadn't let out any emotion at all.
She takes off during 1st period, and when I go outside she's crying in the hall, hyperventilating.

I take her to the counselor, who tells her to "calm down and be thankful she's alive...and try to move on with her life."

...I was THIS close to ripping out that tranny's tracks...

I have to exercise...but I don't have my music...I'll have to push myself anyway...

I have a new thinspo, though:



and I want to be able to wear something short like that. I would totally be the type of girl to live in skirts. Surprisingly.
...But only if I weren't to look like a stuck pig in them.

Going Digital

Finally--I invested in an actual digital scale.

What I weighed as soon as I got home the day I bought it Saturday afternoon:

148.8.

What I weighed when I got home today:

146.8.

I know I'm just going to obsess...but maybe I need something to focus on.

(And?!...it IS two pounds ahead, so...I didn't really weigh 145. I weighed 147. Oh well, at least it's going down.)

Water retention....the bane of my life.

Okay, not really.

But it still bothers me.

Not just to see the numbers on the scale creep up, but physically...blah!

Yesterday I played hooky, faking a lil nausea to get out of school. I just...needed a day off. Ask, and you shall receive.

Unfortunately, the nausea thing wasn't enough to make them get off my back.

They made Jell-O, and tons of soup.

I didn't feel that bad, sipping bouillon drinks...but I forgot how much freakin sodium is in one 10-cal serving.

This morning I had gained almost 3...and my eyes were swollen shut.

I'm drinking my weight in water--just get out all this extra liquid, without dehydrating. Hopefully I'll be at a new goal by my next post...

More food dreams.

We've all had them.

We've all woken up in a cold sweat,
fear humilation failure guilt
running through our minds, still numbed by sleep.

The memory of whatever it was, the taste, the feel of it as you consumed it...

And then the realization that it was just a dream.

I always have them after fasting the day previous. This time, though, I even managed to restrict in my subconscious...meaning I only dug into the carton of ice cream 3 times, instead of 40.

But anyway: I weight 145 this morning. Well, 145.5 (and this isn't exactly accurate--my scale isn't digital, so I could only assume, as I saw the little red line in between numbers).

It was 145 by noon, and I knew I had to eat--being home all day, mom excited about the game, wanting to barbeque and cook pizza and make pasta salad.

I settled for:

*1/2 can of soup (120 cal/1g fat)
*1 oatmeal cream cookie (170 cal/7g fat)

:( The latter disgusts me. But I managed to stay out of binge-mode. Instead of downing 4 of them, I only had one...so my total outcome is 290, round off to 300. (You never know.)

.......................I am so scared I'll go back for another. But it won't just be another fattening cookie...it would turn into three.
.......................And then I would take a spoon and dig out a few bites of pasta salad, left in the fridge. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I'd eat it just the same.
.......................I would get back on that scale, and see the number climb up, ruining all of my precious work.

I CAN'T
I CAN'T
I WON'T

So I just have to preoccupy myself until 5, which is my limit for eating.
Then I won't be able to allow myself, or bargain with myself.

Still....fasting tomorrow, consuming x<500 on Tuesday, and maybe I'll be able to gain control again. Stop wanting it so damn much.

NO MORE SUGAR!!!
{Yup, I gave in today, but that's just wrong. No sugar, no bread, no meat, and then when your weight's under control you can eat healthily...which is all I really want.}

My next goal is 142. And then, hopefully, 140.

Then......130's, here I come!

147!!

I like that number. It's my favorite big one--11 is my normal lucky one.

Of course, just because I'm going down doesn't mean I'm happy with my weight.

Watching that little red line tip day after day in the RIGHT direction is a bit of a pick-me-up, but what I see in the mirror, feel in my clothes, is so much worse.

I don't know when I'll be happy. I don't think I ever will be, to be honest.

I've lost a pound a day since Monday...I woke up weighing 150.

This morning, 147, and when I exercise tonite some more it'll be under that, so...by morning hopefully 146 > x ?

Truth be told...haven't lost it by fasting.

I've eaten between 1000 and 1500 cals every day, and yet I've lost. Unsure if it's just water weight or what...but I need to fast tomorrow :( This week has just been too tramautizing.

Well, Monday was rather spectacular...but everyday this week I started looking forward to its end before 9 in the am.

Tomorrow I want to fast. I need to. It's so easy, at school...nobody watches, nobody cares. It's perfectly normal to sit around talking instead of EATINGCONSUMINGFEASTING.

I haven't been picking or pulling as much--or, at least, it's in intervals.

For a few days, I hardly touched my hair at all, except for nasty monday when I didn't have enough time to properly wash it and it was a slick greaseball all day. Ick.

Sometimes I catch myself playing with split ends...but no yanking in sight.

Those are my main goals, after all:
-Stop picking
-Stop pulling
-Stop indulging (food, etc.)
-Stop being so NERVOUS

All of those things are a result of my little anxieties, anyhow. If I can control them...maybe I can control other important things.

I hate setting goals for myself, though...it only depresses me if I don't reach them fast enough, and then I break them, and then I'm only more discouraged.

So no goals, K? Just...try your best, and I hope I can do it.
I know I can.
I think. :P

OH and I absolutely ADORE Delays! "Lost In A Melody"...mmm...top 3 favorite band!

Interesting. Very, very interesting.

It's so strange to look back on previous posts or things like that and see how hopeful and determined I was.

Fast-forward however many months: and it's just not what I thought it would be.

Maybe because things just haven't been so easy? Breaks are the worse- from school or work or wherever, and you just have family. Unless you can flee and escape them for awhile, you're going to have to play along.

Maybe I haven't been doing so well because I was discouraged-I thought I only weight 150, 149 minus water weight, until I visited my friend's house. Decided to try out her electronic scale.

Apparently mine is off...WAY off. Scarily so.

That morning, my scale read 149. After a day of fasting with moderate exercise (constantly moving around) it probably would have read something like 148.

I step on, looking forward to seeing that "4"... and it's an even 152.0-----

....???....

....!!!....

But I haven't fasted since last Sunday. I was super-excited about it, too, exercising cleaning all day. But I binged Monday, and gained a pound from what I had lost.

This past week, I've meant to fast, but have only restricted moderately.

I always end up going over 1000...but never over 1500.

Plus, I work my ass off every day, burning about 500. --(Give me a break, here...I have no equipment :(

So it's gone down...except it's going back up.

Today I unfortunately went over the 1800 mark, and dinner's been prepared...I'll try and get out of it, but if I have to...complain about a stomachache?

I wanted to save a post until I was sure I was definitely set in the 140's.

But why wait?

Pro-Active

(I know this blog is a mess, looking barely slapped together.
I really want to organize it, and design it to my specific needs!!
I haven't even had the time to arrange it... but I can't wait.
I have to start posting now, if for my own sake.)

Hello, I guess.

My name's Phoenix, and I'm still a kid in my teens.
I really need something (and hopefully a few other somebodies) to help keep me on track.
This blog is going to be an outlet, among other things...
I guess this is a weight loss blog, for one...(no, scratch that-it's some sort of ED blog.)

I don't think I have anorexia.
I don't have a distorted image of myself--I know I'm fat. Even if they like to call me "big-boned"; "chubby"; or (my personal favorite) "what? you're not even fucking fat." (The last one is a comment from some of my obese friends. Love them, but I can't trust their 200 lb.+ opinion.)

I don't have bulimia. I've never binged + purged or abused laxatives.
I might have some sort of binge eating disorder... but it's not just that.
I'll admit it, right here and now-I like food.
I love it, in fact... but I hate it at the same time.

I started turning to food, as a kid, during life's suckier moments. I never really stopped, up until a few years ago.
I always knew I wasn't normal, when it came to weight, but I never wanted to change it. I know I can diet and exercise-hell, if I had done that from the beginning, I'd probably be sporting a fucking bikini by now.

But...I don't like eating at the same time. I don't trust food. Sometimes I have these space-out moments (which last so much longer) where I binge out of control, just for the momentary comfort of it, but other moments I can't imagine eating, can't stop thinking about how disgusting it really is. (Er, all bodily functions are disgusting, when you think about it... but I'll get to that later.)

All I know is I have an unhealthy relationship with food at this point. I want-and need-to learn to eat healthier. I think I'll do that after another 20 pounds.

:

HW: 166 (during the majority of my freshman year of high school)
CW: 152 (god I hope that's right...I need a better scale, one I can trust)
LW: 143 (blessed moments. that was only a few weeks ago, btw. I've gained!!)
GW1: 125
GW2: ?? (I really just want to see what condition my body's at when I weight 125-depending on whether or not I think I need to lose more, we'll go from there.)

I think I gained most of my weight starting last week, after school let out for xmas break.
I was nervous and bored around the house the first day off, didn't have any plans or responsibilities to keep me in check.
I seriously have issues-sometimes I get so nervous I turn to certain things (explain later), but right then and there I just started eating.

I consumed, maybe, 3000+ calories per day. I went out more after that, but that cycle lasted for about 4 days. Monday I realized I had to get my ass into gear, but I've still been bingeing.
Thankfully it wasn't as drastic as before, but still.

Today for example--I go to the hospital to visit my aunt, and my mom insists I eat lunch in the cafeteria.

I ate a huge salad... but then I snacked on xmas cookies left by a friend of the family.
I went to a friend's house, and... on the way home I ate fast food. At ten at nite.
No wonder I'm gaining weight...I refuse to change old habits.

I lost 15 pounds last summer, and not because I was making an actual effort.
I was seriously depressed, and I didn't see the point in eating.

I don't want it to get as bad as it was--I never want to go there again--but I want to sort of retain those feelings of numbness. Maybe then I won't care about food anymore.

I want to get to 130, but I can't set a date for myself. It'll only hurt so much when I fail. So I'll just stop--it'll be crazy difficult with the biggest holidays coming around the corner, but I can do it.

OK....I've rambled on for long enough. Just wanted to post a lil backstory, no matter how vague. I have to start now...I just have to.

Or, I think I should say, just stop. Stop all this panicky behaviour NOW.